EIGHT WEEKS

We never really planned for it to happen now. I don’t believe that things like that can be planned. They just happen when the time is right, even if, caught up in everyday life, you think it’s not.

I just remember feeling really strange so I bought “the stick”. A little blue + sign showed up right away. The mommy in me felt all the feelings, the control freak in me started thinking about what life would look like in nine months, where we would put the crib, how to prepare Kiara for a newborn, and so on.

***

I knew that something was wrong by the way her trembling hand touched the forehead and she sighed worriedly.

“I’m so sorry, but there’s no heartbeat.”, she said, almost whispered. “I’m so, so sorry.”

While the nurse was preparing all the paperwork I needed to be admitted to hospital, I was biting my lip hungrily and aggressively until I could feel the metallic taste of blood in my mouth. I just couldn’t wait to get out of the doctor’s office and finally let tears roll down my face. And they were rolling unstoppably. By the time I got into my car, I was sobbing.

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Luckily, the taxi driver that picked me up at 6 am that morning was the kindest young woman. I felt like an abandoned puppy in the backseat and she felt like home, so I told her I was scared like I had never been scared in my life. “It’s going to be ok, I promise.”, she said, like she herself was in charge of everything. And I believed her.

“This is your bed. Please, take off your clothes and put on the hospital gown. I will be with you in a minute and then we will start.”

My hands were shaking. I was scared to death of the unknown. I remembered who I left at home and I knew I must be ok, as soon as it was over. So I closed my eyes and barely opened them throughout the day. I didn’t want to remember the faces, the hospital room, anything. I only looked towards the window once or twice. It was pouring rain.

I was supposed to be released from hospital the same day, but they kept me in for one more because I lost too much blood. Although I was tired and weak, the night was dragging and it seemed like tomorrow would never come. I knew that for the first time in her life, Kiara would wake up the next morning and not see me. The pain was unbearable.

***

I thought I wouldn’t say anything to anyone. But the experience of losing somebody you love, and trust me, mothers love their children with all their heart even before they are born, was too overwhelming to be quiet. I felt misunderstood and alone.

“It’s no big deal, it happens all the time. It’s not a real child. It’s nothing.”

Ladies, mothers… I’m writing this to tell you that you are not alone. You have every right to be sad or depressed. Your pain is real. Your love is real and it should be acknowledged and respected. If you cannot go through this alone, reach out to someone who can understand. If you haven’t and you want to say goodbye, go to a beautiful place where you can be alone, and say goodbye.

Your pain is real. Your love is real. You are not alone.

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

This is to all babies lost too soon. And their mothers. ❤

Bisous,

Fée


Bilo je potpuno neplanirano. Nikada nisam ni vjerovala da se nešto tako može isplanirati. Takve se stvari uvijek dogode u savršeno vrijeme, čak i kad nas vijest zatekne usred svakodnevnog ludila, pa mislimo da je baš taj trenutak najgori mogući.

Sjećam se da sam se osjećala neobično, čak i naslućivala zašto. Mali plavi plus pojavio se iste sekunde. Pola mene se radovalo, ispunjeno nježnošću i ljubavlju, a pola razmišljalo kako će život izgledati za devet mjeseci, gdje će stajati krevetić i kako ćemo pripremiti Kiaru na dolazak bebe.

***

Kad je drhtavom rukom dotaknula čelo i zabrinuto uzdahnula, znala sam da nešto nije u redu.

“Žao mi je, ali srce ne kuca.”, rekla je, gotovo prošaptala. “Doista mi je žao.”

Dok je medicinska sestra pripremala svu potrebnu papirologiju za bolnicu, nervozno i agresivno sam grizla donju usnicu sve dok nisam osjetila metalni okus krvi u ustima. Jedva sam čekala da izađem iz ordinacije i pustim suze da se sliju niz lice. A lijevalo je nezaustavljivo. Onog trenutka kad sam dotaknula vrata automobila, plač se pretvorio u jecaj.

***

Srećom, u taksiju koji me tog jutra u 6 sati čekao pred zgradom, sjedila je divna, topla mlada žena. Osjećala sam se poput uplašenog, napuštenog psića na zadnjem sjedalu, a njezin je glas zvučao kao najtopliji zagrljaj. Rekla sam joj da me strah kao nikada u životu. “Vjeruj mi, sve će biti u redu.”, rekla je, kao da je upravo ona zadužena za cijeli postupak. Povjerovala sam joj.

“Ovo je vaš krevet. Skinite se i obucite bolničku spavaćicu. Doći ću za vama, a onda ćemo početi.”.

Drhtala sam od straha od nepoznatog. Znala sam koga sam ostavila kod kuće i da ću morati biti dobro čim ova cijela priča završi. Zatvorila sam oči i jedva ih otvarala tijekom dana. Nisam htjela zapamtiti lica, detalje bolničke sobe, glasove i mirise. Samo sam s vremena na vrijeme škiljeći pogledala prema prozoru. Lijevalo je.

Trebala sam istog dana biti puštena iz bolnice, no zbog gubitka velike količine krvi, zadržali su me još dan. Iako sam bila umorna i slaba, imala sam osjećaj da se noć vuče. Kiara će se sljedećeg jutra prvi puta u životu probuditi i neće ugledati mene. Krivnja je bila nepodnošljiva.

***

Mislila sam da ovo nikada nikome neću ispričati, no čitavo je iskustvo bilo previše intenzivno da bih šutjela. Osjećala sam se usamljeno i neshvaćeno.

“Nije to ništa. To se stalno događa. Pa to nije ni dijete. To nije ništa.”

Drage žene i majke… Pišem ovo da vam kažem da niste same. Imate svako pravo biti tužne i neutješne. Vaša je bol stvarna. Vaša je ljubav stvarna i zaslužuje priznanje i poštovanje. Ako vam je teško prolaziti kroz ovo, povežite se s nekime tko će vas razumjeti, tko je prošao isto. Ako se želite oprostiti, nađite lijepo mjesto na kojem ćete biti same, i oprostite se.

Vaša je bol stvarna. Vaša je ljubav stvarna. Niste same.

Danas je Dan sjećanja na bebe anđele.

Posvećeno svim nerođenim i prerano izgubljenim bebama, i njihovim majkama. ❤

Bisous,

Fée

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